How children are helping single parents find love

The 21-year-old from Hanoi wrote: “When she was 17 or 18, my mother was a beautiful and popular girl in Yen Bai province. Boys would chase her home daily to ask her out. Now she is still single, so if any of those men are still interested, there’s still a chance.”

In 2012 her mother divorced, moved with her and her sister into a rental house, and officially became a single mother. Seeing her mother handle all the family responsibilities alone, stressed but with no one to share her burdens, Ly, the older daughter, urged her mother to find a companion.

However, fearing that no one would love her children as much as she did, her mother had no intention of remarrying. She chose instead to juggle multiple jobs, sometimes coming home at midnight, to raise her two children. As their lives improved, Ly wanted her to have someone to share her life with.

Ly, currently studying in Europe, says: “I think having a companion to share hardships with would be better for my mother. Seeing my mother’s friends all paired up when they go out for coffee makes me want my mother to have someone to pamper and take care of her.”

Whenever Ly and her mother go out and she sees a potential suitor, she offers to initiate a conversation. “You’re too beautiful to be single; it would be better if someone took you to the spa or out for meals together,” she often tells her mother.

When Ly’s post appeared on social media, many men around her mother’s age reached out. Although no one has yet interested her mother, Ly believes that when the right person comes along, her mother will find happiness with them.

Phuong Ly (right) and her mother early 2024. Photo courtesy of Ly

Vu Cam Thi, 45, also of Hanoi, created a Facebook account and use its dating feature to find a boyfriend for her mother, Pham Thi Ngoc Cam, 80. Her mother, Cam, has been a single mother for over 40 years, working as a teacher and a seamstress to support her children.

When her children grew up and had their own families, Thi noticed her mother showing signs of depression.

“I thought creating a social media account for my mother to socialise would be a good idea,” she says.

She chose the best photo of her mother and posted it on the dating site. Four years ago, while checking the dating app on her mother’s phone, Thi came across the account of Luu Bach Che. “He looked very dignified and kind, so I sent a friend request.”

That day, Che, who lives about 5 km from Cam, was sitting with his daughter when he received the friend request. His daughter encouraged him to accept it.

Che was drawn to Cam’s profile photo of her holding a bouquet of flowers but was too shy to start a conversation. His daughter told him: “Dad, send her a compliment.”

As he hesitated, his daughter took the phone and sent the message for him. Thanks to his daughter, Che and Cam started chatting and soon met in person for the first time, sharing a drink and going on a walk.Since then, according to their daughters, the two have found companionship and experienced typical relationship ups and downs.

Dr Pham Thi Thuy, a sociologist and psychologist at the Ho Chi Minh City branch of the National Academy of Public Administration, noted that a trend of children like Thi and Ly supporting or even seeking love for their parents is starting in Vietnam.

A VnExpress survey of over 1,000 readers found 91% supporting single parents seeking happiness, believing that everyone, regardless of age, needs emotional connections and care. A 2020 survey by the Institute of Sociology at the Vietnam Academy of Social Sciences found that 2.2 out of every 5 elderly people were unhappy living with their children and grandchildren.

From a psychological perspective, Thuy appreciates those who understand their parents’ emotional needs. “Children who understand their parents’ feelings will bring them happiness.”

When Che and Cam became a couple, their children often arranged meetings for them. Sometimes Thi even sponsored holiday trips for her mother and her new partner, providing them with private time together.

“Our children love us, so they also respect and support our new partners, helping us feel comfortable expressing our feelings without fear of social prejudice,” Che says. The couple reported feeling younger, healthier, and more joyful.

“Mom no longer fixates on small issues or gets as angry and resentful as she used to,” Thi says.

Che’s son used to tell relatives that after his mother’s death, his father was so heartbroken he seemed ready to follow her. However, since Cam became his friend, he has been much happier and more youthful.

Che and Cam at her home in Hanoi’s Dong Da district on March 1, 2024. Photo by VnExpress/ Pham Nga

However, according to Thuy, the psychologist, while many children are supportive and open-minded, some do not want their parents to remarry. “Some people are selfish and want to keep their parents to themselves.”

In her psychological counselling sessions, Thuy encounters two groups: parents who want to find a partner but face children’s opposition, and children unsure whether to support or oppose their parent’s new relationship.

Elderly individuals who are financially independent often do not feel pressured by their children, but those who depend on their children struggle between their emotions and their children’s wishes. Not all children oppose their parents’ new relationships for selfish reasons. Some worry about their parents being taken advantage of, especially if they have assets.

She advises children to investigate if they suspect their parent’s new partner has bad intentions, but only present their concerns with evidence to avoid unjust accusations. Parents facing opposition should carefully consider their partner’s intentions, she says. If they are confident in their partner’s feelings and the feelings their partner has for them, they will be better equipped to persuade their children.

“Parents and children should never confront each other. Share information and perspectives, but ultimately, each person must make their own decisions and bear responsibility for them.”

Thuy also notes that single people do not necessarily need a romantic partner to be happy. Depending on the situation, they can find joy through friendships, joining clubs, or pursuing passions and hobbies.

Ly’s mother is embracing Thuy’s advice by finding joy through various activities. After work, she plays with her cats, cooks, cleans, enjoys coffee outings, and travels with friends. “Whether my mother remains single or remarries, I will always support and respect her. I believe that is what a child should do for their mother.”