When ‘divorce’ becomes a control tactic: stories of strain in couples

The 35-year-old woman in Cau Giay District, Hanoi, believes his quick temper is the root cause. Each time they argue he uses divorce as a threat to assert control.

Understanding that her husband says it to vent his anger, she usually stays silent. Sometimes, when she feels overwhelmed, she takes their child to her parents’ house. However, he soon calls with excuses to bring them back home.

In HCMC, Viet Tung’s 33-year-old wife too frequently uses divorce threats. The first time it happened was when his wife stayed up past midnight waiting for him when he was out watching football with friends.

It scared him, and it took days for him to calm her down. Over time he grew accustomed to her threats, whether they argued about child-rearing, household chores or missed anniversaries.

Eventually, he responded with silence or even challenged her to follow up with her threat, leading to interventions by their families. “I’m exhausted living with someone who treats marriage as a game, threatening divorce at every turn,” Tung says.

Threatening to divorce is not uncommon in marriages. A VnExpress survey of over 600 readers found that 53% had threatened divorce at some point after a quarrel, with 20% doing so frequently.

Psychologist Trinh Trung Hoa explains that those who often threaten divorce are emotionally immature and poor at conflict resolution. “They use this tactic because they don’t know how to resolve conflicts but want to win and control the situation.”

It is often a red flag intended to spur the partner to change their behaviour. This behaviour often stems from childhood insecurities, where parents might have threatened abandonment for misbehaviour, leading to an inability to resolve conflicts healthily in adulthood.

During disputes, individuals who exhibit this behaviour feel unappreciated and resort to divorce threats, hoping for more attention from their spouse.

Hoa says while most divorce threats are not meant to end the marriage and only serve as a form of punishment or challenge, its excessive use could nevertheless destabilise the marriage.

Living with a husband who frequently threatens divorce has made Xuan feel disenchanted. Recently, when he used this tactic again, she signed the divorce papers he had, accepting that their fate had run its course.

“Even medicine can lose its effect, let alone words,” she says. Similarly, Tung decided to end his marriage after feeling suffocated by his wife’s frequent threats.

Seeing this reaction, she regretted her actions and confessed to him she used the threats hoping to change him and not end their marriage.

Tung believes that when there is a conflict, couples should stay calm and resolve issues together rather than resort to divorce threats.

Psychologist Dao Luu says people should understand that words, even if spoken in anger, cannot be taken back and can cause harm.

Divorce should not be a weapon to hurt others, and couples should control their emotions and avoid using sensitive words like “divorce” and “break-up” when angry, he adds.

Another expert, Trinh Trung Hoa, agrees, suggesting that instead of threatening divorce, individuals should express their true feelings after a conflict, sharing their sadness or loneliness due to feeling unheard.

He suggests those who frequently threaten divorce should ask themselves why they consider it, whether it will fetch the desired outcome, what is truly causing dissatisfaction, and what they need from their partner.

If, after answering these questions, the issue is merely temporary anger, individuals should avoid using divorce as a threat as it can create an emotional gap in the marriage, he says. “Invoking divorce while angry can open doors that were never intended to be opened, and once opened, they are not always easy to close.”