Vietnamese women struggle to find life partners after 40

Now living in HCMC, her life is much the same as it was 20 years ago, she says. She dines with her parents daily, runs, reads and plays games with her niece on weekends. Once a year she takes a long holiday with close friends and runs marathons.

“I am not sure how long I can maintain this routine because the future is uncertain,” the middle manager at a foreign company in Go Vap District says. “My parents may pass away or fall ill, my niece will grow up and may not stay close, and friends will go their different ways.”

Her family does not pressure her about marriage, and she has left her romantic fate to chance. She views her father and younger brother as ideal men, possibly unconsciously setting high standards in her partner search, she says. “I am single because I have been too selective. “In the past two years I realised that and have become more open-minded. Now I only seek someone with a good character, even if he is divorced.”

She has tried dating apps but found few suitable matches. “If I set criteria for my partner based on income, home or height, I can find someone easily. However, finding a person who shares similar values, has a good character and is willing to share responsibilities is more challenging.”

Hai Hoang recently completed a full marathon. Photo courtesy of Hai Hoang

Similarly, Ngoc Nga, 43, a chief accountant also at a foreign company in HCMC, has struggled to find romance. After ending two relationships just before planned weddings, the last one 10 years ago, she now prioritises her career.

Her active involvement in church activities has also been a factor in not worrying about starting a family. “A year ago I felt it was time to end my single life and wanted to find someone I could always come home to,” she says.

However, finding a match has not been straightforward since men who show interest are often younger and more admiring than compatible. In her professional and social settings, she has not seen any suitable middle-aged men. She primarily meets men through friends’ matchmaking efforts.

According to the latest report from the General Statistics Office, Vietnamese are marrying later, with the average age at first marriage rising steadily by 0.7 years each year to 27.2 now. HCMC leads with an average age of 30.4.

Vietnam has over 16.3 million single people, including more than 1.5 million aged 35-59 who have never married. Women marry earlier than men, but from middle age onwards the proportion of single women is consistently higher than that of men.

Professor Nguyen Huu Minh of the Vietnam Academy of Social Sciences points out that the higher rate of unmarried women from age 40 upwards reflects the limited chances of marriage for single women at this stage.

He says the main reason older adults remain single is related to women. Economic independence often leads women to confidently choose a single life with or without children. As women’s rights gain importance, societal stereotypes about single women have become less prominent.

Pham Chanh Trung, head of the HCMC Population and Family Planning Department, says more people are choosing to be single due to financial difficulties, career pursuit and desire for freedom besides being unable to find ideal partners.

Many people realize when they near 40 that single life is not what they had imagined it to be and seek a partner, and face challenges, he adds.

Dr. Hoang Tu Anh, director of the Centre for Health and Population Initiatives, believes that many middle-aged individuals seek a soulmate rather than a traditional partner due to issues related to assets, children from previous relationships and reproductive age.

Fertility is a significant factor for middle-aged women struggling to marry, she says. “Scientific studies suggest women should consider having children before age 35 for the best health outcomes for both mother and baby. “However, the need for a companion, sexual fulfilment and support in later life are legitimate desires.”

Ngoc Nga during a trip to Ta Xua, northern Son La province in 2023. Photo courtesy of Ngoc Nga

Society still holds prejudices against late marriages, especially for women, which can diminish their chances of finding happiness. Nga identifies three common prejudices: age-related fertility concerns, outdated views and accusations of having excessively high standards.

Over the last year she has met several men, and even developed feelings for a middle-aged man who had never married and met her criteria. They met thrice, and she sensed he was also interested. However, by the fourth meeting, when he invited her to meet his mother, his feelings seemed to have waned.

“I didn’t ask why, but I noticed that middle-aged women have fewer opportunities to meet good men, even though there are still many good people out there,” she ruminates.

Statistics from VnExpress Dating since January 2023 show nearly 500 women over 40 have been seeking partners, or 10% of the total number.

Matchmaker Vu Nguyet Anh, who has over 10 years’ experience, confirms there is high demand among middle-aged women for partners but adds the dating market for this demographic is limited.

Population statistics show that the number of single middle-aged men is routinely lower than that of women. Most men in this age group are married, and successful ones may prefer younger women. The remaining men may not be attractive to women.

Nonetheless, Nguyet Anh says, women should not to feel inferior or defeated whatever their age and keep up with current trends to stay modern, quality men often seek in women. “Don’t think you’re just looking for a husband,” the matchmaker advises. Become a magnet full of charm. If you’re good enough, someone will come.”

Today, as love and marriage criteria and beauty standards evolve, age is not correlated to attractiveness. Tu Anh too has words of encouragement: “Women at any age can attract the right partner. In fact, middle-aged women with social status, maturity and confidence have their own unique appeal.”

After finding a man through the dating column of an online newspaper, Hoang is now in touch with him as a friend while exploring another potential match.

She says, after travelling extensively in her youth, she now prefers a simple life with a partner: cooking, reading and growing old together. If she remains single, she is financially and emotionally prepared to live her life fully. “At this age, I no longer force things. If marriage and children come, it’s good; if not, there is just a little regret.”

Nga, now less concerned about finances and more focused on enjoying life, still hopes to find a loving partner. “If life doesn’t provide me with a true partner, I will accept living single happily rather than settle for someone for the sake of it.”