My wife accuses my father of favoritism over his financial assistance to my elder brother

I am 41 years old and grew up in a typical family with an engineer father and a teacher mother. Despite being a mischievous child, I was deeply loved by my family and turned out well. My father was frequently busy working to support us, while my mother, though a teacher, allowed me to make my own decisions. Consequently, it was often my elder brother who guided me in social behavior. He taught me almost everything I needed to know outside of school before I turned 18.

After moving abroad for studies and work, my way of interacting became more direct and straightforward, influenced by the Western social environment, yet my core values remained unchanged. I have consistently supported my elder brother in significant family decisions.

A few years ago, before a prolonged business trip, my brother sold his apartment to my father, requesting his help in finding a new house. Although my father searched, no purchase was made due to my sister-in-law’s high standards. My brother then entrusted VND4 billion to my father for depositing in a bank, intending to buy an apartment later, anticipating a price drop due to maintenance costs.

Regrettably, this money was caught up in a major scam, freezing both my brother’s and father’s funds. Now that my brother’s family has returned to Vietnam and is planning to buy a house, my father intends to borrow VND500 million from me to assist my brother. Although the interest from the VND4 billion over three years was minimal, my father now plans to give my brother VND7 billion, with the additional VND3 billion as support to help him afford an apartment due to the current high real estate prices in Vietnam.

I consented immediately, but this decision brought my wife to tears as she felt my father was overly favoring my brother’s family. She said she had tolerated unfair treatment for more than a decade, and this situation was her breaking point. She reminisced about our early marriage years abroad, where she juggled various part-time jobs—from selling ice cream to currency exchange and clothes packing—often working night shifts to save every possible penny. Unlike her lengthy price comparisons during shopping trips, my brother and his wife maintained a luxurious lifestyle.

Additionally, she noted that my father often publicly spoke of financial gifts to my brother and his family, yet never mentioned any contributions to our child, rationalizing that my scholarship meant I had no financial worries. However, that scholarship was barely sufficient for me alone, let alone supporting my wife and child.

I explained to my wife that my father tends to exaggerate, such as when he claimed to have given me VND4.5 billion for my house purchase, whereas it was actually VND450 million. This revelation only deepened my wife’s sense of injustice, recalling that when her mother contributed VND850 million to us, my father had exaggerated a promise from my wife’s deceased father about a supposed US$100,000 gift, thus her mother had to loan us an additional US$55,000 long-term to provide us some startup capital, despite her tight finances.

Meanwhile, when my brother and his wife bought their house, my father, eager to showcase his generosity, contributed more than what my sister-in-law’s family did. He suggested that if I bought an apartment abroad, I could take out a loan, but advised against borrowing for home purchases in Vietnam, thus justifying his larger financial support for my brother.

My wife countered that borrowing entails equal financial pressures everywhere, highlighting the similar economic challenges faced by both our families and my brother’s. I responded by emphasizing that our parents’ money was theirs to distribute as they saw fit, and that it was inappropriate for children to overly fixate on their parents’ financial decisions.

I also argued that since we lived far away and couldn’t care for our parents regularly, it was understandable if my father wanted to favor my brother slightly. However, my wife doubted that my brother and his wife would care for our parents, noting that they had moved out of my parents’ home. This move prompted my father to buy and sell properties multiple times to stay close to them, resulting in substantial financial losses.

I reassured my wife that, despite not living together, my brother and his wife were still nearby, unlike us, who couldn’t return quickly if something happened to our parents. Yet, she remained unconvinced. She argued that the issue wasn’t about my brother demanding more money, but about my portrayal of our financial stability, which led my father to favor my brother and overlook our needs. She also mentioned that she had to work extra on weekends to afford our children’s education, with her mother helping with childcare to allow her to work more, but no one knew. I admitted that I had not shared these struggles publicly.

However, I maintained that if I could shoulder our burdens quietly, I shouldn’t burden my parents. Having been a troublesome child, I didn’t want to continue being a strain on them. Since turning 18, I have rarely accepted help from my family, believing that if there was any fault, it was mine for letting my wife endure hardships alone.

My wife also blamed my father for overly assisting my brother, which she believed hindered his independence, though my brother is nearly 50.

I decided to discuss this with my father, focusing on two main points: he should worry less about his children and more about my mother and himself, and that while my finances were stable, my wife faced significant challenges. I admitted that the pressures of life abroad often made us consider returning to Vietnam, but the potential for lower earnings there deterred us.

My father reacted by accusing my wife of jealousy and resentment, stating that family members should support each other rather than harbor such feelings. He declared he would no longer borrow money from us, but I fear he might turn to less reliable sources due to his vulnerability, as evidenced by a previous banking scam. I am now contemplating whether to continue financially supporting my father.

What should I do?