My husband declines to share home with my mother

I am 39 years old and currently reside and work in Ho Chi Minh City. I have been married for 16 years and have two grown daughters.

I was raised in a poor rural area, and my father left us when I was only five years old. My mother, who never remarried, worked diligently as a domestic maid to support me. Throughout my school years, I focused heavily on my studies, aspiring to better my life circumstances. After getting married, I devoted most of my time to taking care of my family.

My husband is a reserved individual who neither drinks nor engages in excessive partying. Comparatively, he is decent, especially when considering other men who engage in drinking and can be abusive towards their families. Nonetheless, he shirks from demanding tasks, giving up easily, and often delegates responsibilities to me if he perceives I can manage them.

Since he shifted from full-time employment to part-time work 11 years ago, I have primarily managed our family’s finances and our children’s education. In early 2020, I sold my mother’s house to purchase two apartments—one for her and one for our family, so that my husband could have a life of better quality.

However, by 2023, after incurring business losses, I had to sell our apartment to settle some debts. Currently, we retain just over half of the proceeds from the sale, which is insufficient to buy a new home.

Since selling the apartment, we have been living in a rented property. With the recent economic downturn, I lost my side job, and my main income now stems from my accounting position. My husband contributes about VND5 million (US$198) monthly, while I handle all other financial obligations, including over VND10 million each month for rent, our children’s education, groceries, and support for my mother, who has no pension.

The mounting expenses, as the children grow and my mother ages and battles illness, are overwhelming. I requested my husband to increase his financial contribution, but he expressed his inability to do so, stating he was already giving all he could. Facing increasing daily pressures, I suggested he move in with my mother for a year or two to help us save money while I sought ways to purchase a house again. My mother, out of her love for me, was willing to accommodate us in her comfortable apartment.

Despite this, my husband objected to living with her. He stated that if I decided to move in with my mother, he would rent a separate place for himself. This would mean he would no longer contribute to our monthly expenses, leaving me to solely support our children. He mentioned he cares for me but cannot live with my mother or provide additional financial help. He prefers his own space and desires to live as he pleases. This deeply saddens me, as it seems he is only concerned with his own needs after years of me bearing the family’s burdens.

Reflecting on our marriage, I grow increasingly disheartened. Over the past 16 years, my husband has never cooked a meal for me or learned to use the washing machine. Despite working all day, I return home around 6:30 p.m. to prepare dinner in my uniform. Everyone, including my mother-in-law, commends my ability to manage both family and social relations, my cooking skills, and my attentiveness to preparing my husband’s favorite meals and to his needs in our intimate life.

I am left wondering if his refusal to adapt is due to my constant accommodation of his preferences, leading him to take my efforts for granted and prioritize his own desires.