My constant sexual affairs have left me terrified of marriage

I’m single but past the prime age for marriage, so my family has been pestering me a lot about it. With my current girlfriend, I am even thinking about marriage, but I’m confused and wondering what my married life would look like.

My colleagues and friends, the majority are not satisfied with their marriage. They are constantly complaining about their partners. I can clearly see the issues as I have had several affairs with some of the women in question.

The first affair was with a colleague I hadn’t seen in a long time. After a few text messages, we ended up sleeping together and still have a few hook-ups every now and then.

I know her husband is a handsome and successful man, who bought a house in a highly prosperous area. I keep thinking how unlucky he is to be married to her. He provides everything financially for the family. All she has to do is go to the gym and pick up her children from school.

The second affair was with a woman whose husband was of the same caliber as the previous guy. This woman is kind and well-liked by her former colleagues. She is also very gentle and soft-spoken. I like her a lot and was under the impression that she was a serious person. But she ended up insisting on sleeping with me.

After these affairs, I have become terrified of marriage, fidelity and commitment.

I have negative thoughts about marriage, especially with my current girlfriend. I have a feeling that she is incapable of expressing her feelings and thoughts. Whenever something negative happens, she gets furious. When we hang out with her friends, they always talk and act rudely.

I don’t judge because everyone has a different background, education, religion and mindset. My girlfriend is also constantly complaining about her workplace, criticizing literally every coworker.

She always talks about frivolous things and never about things that matter. Whenever I try to initiate a serious topic, she always steers the conversation somewhere else.

I have tried many different subjects, but nothing seems to work. We never had a real conversation. Sometimes, I feel extremely lonely in this relationship, which might be a result of all the trauma I endured from all my previous relationships, albeit often with married women.