Learning Love: How Russian-Vietnamese wife taught husband his heritage

Liliya, 33, has a Russian father and a Vietnamese mother. She moved to Vietnam with her mother at the age of 10, making her fluent in both Russian and Vietnamese. Son, 33, has Vietnamese parents but was born and raised in Russia, and so barely speaks his mother tongue beyond basic greetings.

Liliya and Bui Son in Hanoi July 2024. Photo by VnExpress/Thanh Nga

Son and Liliya first met in September 2018 when Liliya, then a tour guide, was leading a group of Vietnamese tourists from Vietnam to Russia. While the group dined at the restaurant where Son worked, Son was captivated by Liliya, who had a western appearance but spoke Vietnamese without an accent, and made great efforts to connect with her.

Despite his enthusiasm, she responded with a few polite remarks. Her initial impression of him was of a tall, short-haired man who seemed intimidating and spoke only a little Vietnamese.

She says: “We met twice at a restaurant, but I was busy attending to the tourists, so he didn’t have the chance to ask for my contact information. He later found it through a mutual colleague.”

Though she was apprehensive about long-distance relationships, his careand attention made her feel secure, and she agreed to be his girlfriend after a few months of knowing each other.

Aware that Liliya liked speaking Vietnamese, Son made an effort to learn the language, occasionally surprising her with romantic phrases he picked up online.

In December 2018 Liliya went to Russia to visit her father and relatives for a month, and the two went on their first official date.

“On my last day in Russia he proposed to me on the Love Bridge in Moscow (a popular romantic landmark known for couples attaching padlocks as a symbol of their love).

“Though we had only met in person a few times, we always felt a deep familiarity, as if we had known each other for a long time.”

When she accepted his proposal, Son expressed his desire to move to Vietnam, marry there and live in the country she cherished.

Liliya and Son at their wedding in 2019. Photo courtesy of Liliya and Son

Their wedding took place in Hanoi in December 2019. During the traditional “fetching the bride” ceremony, where the groom’s family goes to the bride’s house to bring her to the wedding venue, she tested him by asking him to sing a Vietnamese song and eat a lemon with salt.

Son says: “I tried to learn a love song, but it was too difficult, and so I chose the Vietnamese children’s song ‘Con Co Be Be’ (The Little Stork)’ Fortunately, I passed the test and was allowed to escort the bride to the wedding venue.”

Once they began to live together, Liliya started transforming her husband into a true-blue Vietnamese man by teaching him the language, cultural norms and social practices, focusing on pronunciation and communication skills.

She says: “I had to buy first-grade Vietnamese books and an alphabet chart to teach him from scratch. While he sounds warm speaking Russian, he babbles like a child in Vietnamese.”

After just a couple of sessions on accents and the alphabet, she felt like giving up due to his constant mispronunciation, confusing between tones and mixing up local dialects.

“His parents are from Quang Binh in central Vietnam, and so he sometimes speaks in the local dialect, which makes it even harder for me to understand. Teaching him became challenging.”

While daughters-in-law in Vietnam can sometimes face pressure from their in-laws, for Liliya, the challenge lay from helping her husband master the language and adapt to a new life.

Each day, she selected Vietnamese articles on economics and finance for him to read and understand. If he encountered words he didn’t know, he had to write them down, look them up, and memorise them, Liliya added.

During their first Tet (Lunar New Year) in Vietnam in 2020 she took him to the local market to shop for decorations and flowers, teaching him how to bargain.

“The first time we went to pick a peach blossom branch, it took us hours to find the right one. I showed him how, in Vietnamese tradition, the branch should have many flowers and thick blooms to bring luck for the New Year.”

During festivals, men are responsible for performing religious ceremonies such as praying to ancestors. Son initially prayed in Russian, but under his wife’s guidance, he learned to pray in Vietnamese. “Sometimes he would mix English and Vietnamese, saying things like ‘Hello cac cu’ (Hello ancestors). After much practice he eventually managed some basic prayers.”

From cutting up chicken and preparing offerings for making banh chung and banh tet (traditional Vietnamese savoury sticky rice cakes), Son experienced all traditional Tet activities for the first time in Vietnam.

Thanks to his wife, he grew to love Vietnamese culture, appreciating the communal spirit during holidays and how neighbours share food and invite each other over like family.

Despite the challenges of teaching her husband Vietnamese culture, Liliya is happy that he chose to start a new life in Vietnam just to be with her.

He cooks at home and helps with the housework, and the couple are growing together in their careers and sharing joys and sorrows.

She says: “Son understands the Quang Binh dialect very well. When we visit his hometown, I feel like I’m in a different world with an unfamiliar language, and he helps me translate and connect with the family.”

Liliya, Son and their son enjoy a family outing in Hanoi in 2024. Photo courtesy of Liliya and Son

The couple share their life on TikTok on a channel called “Dieu Ho Li Son,” which has attracted millions of views.

Viewers are amused and make comments such as “A Russian wife teaching her Vietnamese husband Vietnamese, so cute,” and “A Western girl but a perfect Vietnamese wife.”

Before they started dating, her father-in-law was a regular follower of a channel called “Hang Xom Tay” (Western Neighbour), which has over 500,000 followers and where she was a content creator.

He says: “I often watch channels about foreigners enjoying life in Vietnam, especially my daughter-in-law’s channel. My son is lucky to marry such a lively, talented girl who speaks Vietnamese so well.”

After nearly five years of marriage they now have a one-year-old son. Liliya continues to tutor both her husband and son in Vietnamese every day. “Perhaps we are meant to be together. He still has a long way to go to fully adapt as a Vietnamese son-in-law, but we are committed to working together on this journey of integration.”