For some ‘sugar babies’, regret comes too late

Growing up in a poor farming family in the northern province of Yen Bai, she had faced hardship from an early age, working with her mother in the fields to ensure they had food to eat.

When accepted into a university in Hanoi, she took on various jobs, from working in coffee shops and clothing stores to waiting tables, to cover her expenses. After graduating, she started modelling for fashion shops, leveraging her tall frame and attractive appearance to earn an income.

“I needed to support my sibling’s education, so I took on as many jobs as possible,” she says.

Around this time she learned that her family had fallen into debts of over VND100 million (US$4,000) due to her father’s gambling. Unable to repay the amount even after selling their house, she felt cornered.

Desperate, she accepted an offer of VND20 million a month from a 42-year-old married man, a stranger who had found her profile in online modelling groups, to become his “sugar baby“.

Que Tram, 26, in a photoshoot in May 2024. Photo provided by Que Tram

Tram recalls that he initially contacted her through these online groups under the guise of offering a modelling job, but expressed a romantic interest and gave her luxury gifts at their very first meeting.

He offered her VND20 million in exchange for a non-committal relationship. To persuade Tram, he admitted he was married and promised they would meet only a few times a month and he would keep the arrangement secret. “I told myself it would only last a few months, just enough to pay off my father’s debt,” Tram says.

Initially their meet-ups were casual dates, but soon they all took place in a rented room. There, he exhibited aggressive behavior during intimacy, demanding that she use sex toys, wear provocative outfits, and allow him to record their encounters.

Despite her discomfort, the money and gifts kept her in the relationship.

Over time, she became accustomed to a comfortable lifestyle, no longer worrying about making ends meet, having a house of her own and an abundance of luxury gifts from her “sugar daddy.”

But she constantly lived in fear of being exposed. “I felt like an object, used when needed. But I was too afraid to give up everything and pursue a decent relationship.”

The arrangement between Tram and the man followed a common pattern of young, attractive women receiving financial support from older men in exchange for sex.

Such sugar baby-sugar daddy relationships have proliferated on social media, with groups connecting “daddies” with “babies,” some having tens of thousands of members.

In these groups the men post their requirements and the amount they are willing to pay, while interested women either message them directly or share their background, personality and body measurements.

The law treats sexual relations in exchange for money or material items as prostitution. Since 2022 the police have busted numerous prostitution rings disguised as sugar baby-sugar daddy groups.

Associate Professor Dr. Tran Thanh Nam, vice rector at the VNU University of Education, Hanoi, says this phenomenon emerged in Vietnam over five years ago and has grown in the last two to three years.

Many young women mistakenly see these arrangements as casual, non-binding relationships, believing that a few dates and monthly financial support are no big deal. Even when sex is involved, they often see themselves as being in control rather than coerced.

Thuc Anh, 24, a media employee in Hanoi, lost faith in marriage after her parents divorced and her mother remarried. She admitted to prefering uncommitted relationships and was a sugar baby several times to earn money. She even boasted to friends about her financial independence.

But when the wife of one of her paramours exposed her personal information and pictures online, she lost everything—her family’s trust, friends and even job.

She says: “I had to change my name and move to southern Vietnam to rebuild my life. My income is low, but at least I no longer live in fear.” The stain on her reputation prevents her from ever returning home, she says.

Nam emphasises the importance of young people recognising their self-worth and understanding that not everything can be exchanged for money. He also highlights the need for financial literacy and problem-solving skills to help individuals avoid risky situations that might lead them to become sugar babies.

Now, at 26, Tram has managed to save some money from her time as a sugar baby, but reflecting on her past she realises she had been a sex worker.

The thought of her mother proudly boasting to neighbours about her success in Hanoi, unaware of how she truly earned her money, haunts her.

She fears that her attempts to start fresh will be shattered by the threat of him releasing the explicit videos he had recorded. “But it’s time for me to live a life of value and earn money through honest work. I’m ready to lose everything. That’s the price I’ll have to pay, sooner or later.”

*Names have been changed to protect identities.